I Attempt From Love's Sickness To Fly
by Scandalacious Intentions
Summary: “I’m obviously going to drunkenly dance with you at New Year’s and I’m going to try and trap you under mistletoe every Christmas and occasionally, I’ll watch you sleep just to check you’re still breathing because I have to. They’re the rules."


**Disclaimer: I think we all know that if it was mine, Remus Lupin would be alive and well and living out the remainder of his life in a little cottage somewhere.**

The silence that descended with Harry and McGonagall's departure seemed unbreakable. Between them, Mrs. Weasley and Fleur were having a damn good go at it but their amicable chattering about the wedding did nothing to dispel the awkwardness.

Slowly it dawned on Tonks that the object of her affections had nothing more to contribute. She took a deep breath and plastered on the same attempt at a smile she had used for the past year. "Right. I hope he gets better and um…I'll come round and visit obviously. Keep me posted." She hugged Mrs. Weasley and took in a shaky breath. "Thanks Molly."

She turned and headed for the door, staring at the floor as she passed Lupin and refusing to look up.

"Where are you going?"

Tonks' head shot up. She would appear to be glaring at him but she had not the energy to be angry. Her startlingly grey eyes were expressionless. He noticed they were the exact same eyes that had belonged to her beloved cousin but they no longer twinkled in a similar fashion. It had been a while since she had laughed and Remus Lupin came to the conclusion that it was all his fault.

"For a walk."

"Where?"

"Does it matter Remus?"

For a moment they all stared at him, wondering what how on earth he would respond to that. Her reply had been almost confrontational and he had always reacted so badly to it. He shifted his weight a little and fiddled with something in his pocket.

"No."

"Right then."

And with that, she left. Her feet dragged a little and her mousy hair hung in her face but she did not push it out. It hid her tears and so it sufficed. She wasn't even sure for whom she was crying. Dumbledore? Sirius? Remus? Now she thought about it, the list was almost endless.

She had always been a tomboy and concluded that there was nothing like sinking to her knees and wailing to make her feel feminine. Perhaps that was it. Maybe she was too childish or too boyish in appearance. That made sense. She wasn't the sort of girl she would want to take home and present to her mother if she was Remus.

She looked down at the body she could no longer change. She was a little plumper than she had been when she was able to shrink her waist into her black skinny jeans at will. Her legs were a _lot _shorter and, with the exception of her breasts which were a little bigger than she liked them usually, she looked like a child. At least she no longer looked decidedly masculine, especially now she had long brown hair.

The hand on her shoulder made her jump. She looked up, her chest heaving, to find a vaguely amused Lupin staring down at her. He offered her a hand which she pointedly ignored, choosing to scramble to her feet and wipe her eyes.

"Can I help you?" she asked, wanting to scream inside.

Whatever she was expecting, it was not…

"Yes. Can _I_ help _you_?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"You just don't _want_ to."

Lupin's smile faded. His black eyes burned with a foreign emotion that Tonks had never before noticed. She hated to admit that she was scared now. She had no idea what he would do and she couldn't bear it if he walked away from her.

"I mean-"

"I know what you mean." he said slowly, barely whispering. He was surer now and far more sincere. "I'm sorry."

"You've said that a lot. It's beginning to lose all meaning." she replied, fighting back more tears that she could feel brimming and hoped he would be gentlemanly enough to ignore them. Alas, they fell and worse…he had the audacity to wipe them away with his calloused thumb.

She hissed as would an angry cat but she did not pull away and to her immense relief, neither did he.

"I'm sorry to have caused you-"

"Don't say it Remus. Just please, don't say it."

They stood together, almost nose to nose or more realistically, nose to chest, for what felt like hours of silence.

"Look," she said, smiling grimly. "You know how I feel about you and that's not going to change alright? I want you to know that I won't ever love anyone else. I couldn't. I won't ever meet anyone else and I certainly won't be settling down with anyone anytime soon so if you ever change your mind, you'll always know where I am and I'll be waiting for you. I just want you to know that the next time you lose someone and you feel like it really is the end of the world, I won't be there to pick up the pieces if you're not going to stay. I don't think you realise that…the night that he died…" She trailed off and sniffed, blinking back fresh tears. "All it was for you was kisses and a night of sobbing into someone's shoulder…and I'll admit that a part of me felt the same, that it was just wonderful to know that the two of us were still around. We had each other at least. Friends kiss like that all the time, I'm sure. For me, that was the night that I fell hopelessly and irrevocably in love with you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that because of that, you had no-one."

"Don't you dare apologise. Frankly, if that was anyone's fault it was mine. You know how I feel about you…"

"Yeah." Tonks replied, raising her eyebrows and nodding in a manner that worried Lupin. His best friend had done it just before he made cutting remarks. "That's the worrying thing. I think I do now. I'm going to be around a lot. We have the same friends and if you dare hurt them to avoid me…" she couldn't even end that sentence. She wasn't sure if he cared whether she hated him or not. He would probably be relieved if she did.

"Nymphadora-"

"Oh you're already in my bad books Sunshine, don't add to it."

Lupin grinned despite himself. "You know, you are so much like him. Ah, it's probably more than slightly homosexual to contradict you now…"

Tonks furrowed her brow in confusion. Her eyes darkened with emotions that she could barely register, so quickly did they fly past; love, burning hatred, confusion, sadness, nervousness, excitement, unadulterated exhilaration and finally, understanding.

"You told me that before; that you loved me. And then you buggered off out of my life with the same crap excuses you've been using ever since."

She visibly softened. Her eyes no longer blazed with the fury she had been unable to express for the past twelve months.

"Listen Remus, I'm going to try and be normal around you, okay? Would that make you feel better?"

Lupin wanted to tell her she had it all completely wrong but found that he had lost the power of speech. He couldn't even shake his head.

"I'm obviously going to drunkenly dance with you at New Year's and I'm going to try and trap you under mistletoe every Christmas and occasionally, I'll watch you sleep just to check you're still breathing because I have to. They're the rules of unrequited love and woe betide if I break them-"

He wasn't entirely sure how to go about making her understand and opted for attempting to silence her with a kiss.

Sadly, romantic gestures often go awry and he ended up latched onto her mid rant. She continued to mutter against his lips until she realised that this was the first time he had kissed her in six months, since he had been forced to in Grimmauld under mistletoe. She really ought to make the most of it.

He eventually pulled away for breath and her bottom lip trembled as she took in a shaky breath, this time a result of nerves.

"I am about to suggest something ridiculous, completely out of the question and utterly selfish."

Tonks slumped. He was leaving.

"Marry me."

She sighed. "I can't stop you."

"That's not the usual response…"

Tonks widened her eyes and stared at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"I just asked you, _Dora_, whether you would consent to be my wife to which you replied, and I quote-"

She kissed him almost fiercely enough for him to step back. He realised just in time that this was exactly the wrong moment to do so and instead, allowed himself to fall from the force of her leap, backwards.

"Shall I take that as a yes then?" he asked, wrapping one arm around her waist and pinning her to his chest as they lay on the grass whilst entangling a finger in her vibrant, fuchsia bob.

"Yeah, why not?" she answered, trying to 'play it cool' and only refraining from bursting into an embarrassing victory dance because she was held against him.

Lupin rolled his eyes but he beamed at her. "Again, not exactly the most romantic of acceptances but it's a pass." He ran his fingers through her hair. "No spikes?"

"They didn't seem appropriate."

Lupin laughed softly to himself "Nothing about you could ever be considered appropriate."

"I think I like the bob better, don't you?"

"I'm not indifferent to it," he told her, smiling.

They lay there a while longer while Tonks felt the rise and fall of his chest and Lupin played with her hair absentmindedly, in companionable silence until Tonks shivered.

"Okay, come on," said Lupin firmly, shifting a little and pulling Tonks up with him. "We're going home."

Her heart soared. Home. _We_. If she was going to ask, now seemed the perfect time.

"So where do _we_ live then?"

"I'm sorry. I think I'm getting ahead of myself."

Tonks grinned. "You're not going to ask me to live with you? You're not going to give me a trial run?"

Lupin laughed. "I practically lived with you for two years before Sirius died. You were round all the time."

He stopped suddenly and Tonks almost began to think he had changed his mind. She realised as he looked into her eyes that this was the first time he had acknowledged the fact that he was the last of his true friends.

"Come back to mine," she said, taking his hand. "I think you need large amounts of Firewhiskey."

Lupin smiled. "How about tea?"

"If this is another bid to make me think you're too old-"

She didn't need to end that sentence. It was a little late for that. Lupin laughed, pulled her closer to him and, turning on the spot, apparated alongside her.

He was gradually rebuilding his life and vowed that this time, he wouldn't make a total mess of it.


End file.
